I was about to email you-know-who, after she was acting a bit distant at the movie last night, saying “you don’t have to be defensive, I’m not trying to come on to you or ’steal you’, I’m just enjoying your company”.
There are a couple things wrong with this:
- I have no idea whether she’s being defensive. I invited her to a comedy club before mentioning that it was with friends, and she quickly said “no — I hate comedy”. I doubt she hates comedy. But it could be true. My guess was that she was avoiding a possible half-date. But I have very little evidence to support this.
- I would steal her if that were possible. Such things generally are not.
I’m acting in my own best interest, like a selfish gamer. And I must remind myself that I must not act on tenuous inklings like the one above. She could have been distant for any number of reasons. (And even if it was intentional, that basically means it’s over. I’m a master of denial, therefore I can conclude that it was not.) In other words, no making shit up!
Man, my serenade for her is crap recently. I’m on the final stretch, the last 5 minutes of the last movement (which is actually the first movement, I’m just writing it last). I can’t seem to get anything good down there though. I have a pretty, slowish section reminiscent of the string intro to the Ode to Joy, but I’ll probably delete that. For this final movement, I’ve resolved not to overuse my “cinematic” texturing techniques, and focus on melody and harmony. Maybe that’s why I can’t write anything good, because it’s harder to write that way.
Last night my eyes were cowards. She looked at me 10 times, and about twice I didn’t turn away. Wtf? I adore eye contact with her. It pierces through me giving the most wonderful sensation. Why did I avoid it? Possibly because I didn’t want her to know. But I do want her to know that! I mean, I’m not going to tell her, but I shouldn’t avoid it!
Anyway, her boyfriend is out of town for two weeks, which is basically meaningless. Well, not entirely meaningless. I want to finish her serenade before he comes back. It’s hard to get her somewhere without him coming too, and dedicating a large piece of music to her in front of her boyfriend might be just a little… threatening.
Hey, have you noticed that I’m treating this blog like a journal now, just writing in stream-of-consciousness? Who are you, and why are you reading my journal?
I wonder how I’m going to give her the piece. If I were dating her I could do it great. Gift-wrapped with a combination love poem and dedication, “don’t open it until you get home”. But I’m not, so I have to forgo the love poem. I think any poem would come off too strong. I mean, it seems easy, just give it to her, right? But that can be interpreted in so many ways, most of them too close to home.
Okay, I’m having one hell of a time coming up with this. Let’s do a dry run with no restrictions. What’s the cover letter:
Come on, self. How will you ever catch up to her eloquence if you never try to write some yourself? Demonstrate to yourself that you do actually love her.
Dear Karen,
The beauty and grace with which you speak leaves me envious in our conversations. If only I could so speak, even the most mundane of topics would result in colorful, brilliant duets. Fortunately, I can say that I am much better with music than with words. In an attempt to mimic and respond to your extemporaneous poetry, I have composed three pieces of music as a serenade to you.
I attempted to describe the movements, but I couldn’t help but dive into music jargon, since my pieces are never really “about” anything. Let us refine this a bit, taking into account that we are not dating (can’t we just go out already, that would make this all so much easier! :-).
Dear Karen,
I have composed music since I was ten years old. There was a time when I was prolific: learning and experimenting was all the inspiration I needed. But recently, over the past four years especially, I have hardly written anything. Quick sketches of ideas are abandoned after twenty measures. What I do complete, about once a year, is dry and emotionless.
All this changed when I met you. As I admired your every utterance carried out with eloquence and grace, I resolved to create beauty constantly, as you do. I would compose, inspiration or not. As another way of putting it: you have inspired me! After meeting you just six weeks ago, I have started and finished my largest and proudest piece, and I’m dedicating it as a serenade to you.
Maybe there is something about “whatever our future, I am grateful”, but I couldn’t fit it in. This might do as is. The first paragraph could stand to be shorter, but I rather like the tone. I suppose it could still be interpreted as a “date proposal”, and I don’t want it to come off that way. I want to woo without applying pressure.
I think I’m done journaling for today.